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Third Trimester Woes

Midway through another week of second shift. I think it's safe to say I've had a rough month. I have certainly had good days, great days even. But overall, I have been pretty miserable, to be honest. I do think it's mostly just third trimester woes. I have heartburn 24/7, my back hurts all the time, whether I'm sitting, standing, walking, or even sleeping, and speaking of sleeping, I don't do much of that anymore, which only adds to my cranky attitude. I do have some anxiety about becoming a mother in less than two months, but for the most part, I feel very much ready to not be pregnant anymore. I'm terrified of labor, obviously. But I have reached a point where I'm less afraid of that than I am fed up with being a miserable, achy moose all the time. My biggest issue is patience. Actually, I'd say I've lost it. I have a short fuse lately, and I'm quick to snap at people, especially poor Kyle. God love him... I have been a total bitch to him. I do feel bad, but it's not like I can go to work and treat my coworkers and superiors like shit. And aside from people at work, Kyle is the only person I see on a day-to-day basis. So he definitely takes the brunt of it. Lauren and I got into it right before my baby shower last month (more on that later...). I was a little on the rude side to my dad recently, via text, which never happens. We always get along very well, and his excessive patience always made up for any lack I've had. I do feel guilty, for treating people that I love so horribly. But I also feel like, not only am I alone and totally not understood at all, but I feel like no one even tries to understand or be empathetic. Most women are pregnant for a period in their lives, and all the other women to well, and don't complain, so why shouldn't I be able to do the same? I tend to believe that all the other women did what I am doing- they pretended, or acted. You know, when you're at work or with family or whatever, you don't want to just be complaining and whining. I tell everyone how easy my pregnancy has been, no complaints, etc. But at home, it's another story entirely, and I think Kyle is the only one who has that full picture of what my life has been like, though I don't think he truly can grasp it, because he is, you know, a guy. He has been sweet lately. He surprised me earlier this week with a Snoogle, which is basically a huge, spiral pillow thing that essentially spoons me while I'm in bed. The unfortunate thing is, I think my back pain is actually worse when I use it. Last night when I got home around 11pm, he had ordered Chinese for himself, and even though he was eating alone, he had ordered some veggie lo mein for me. Last week he came home with a little container of mint chocolate chip gelato, my favorite. He has definitely been trying, and the rational side of me is so grateful. But then I get so angry about other stupid things, like his car search that is forever being postponed, or his smelly cat that makes messes all over the place. I even got mad at him for taking a day off work last week, because I literally cannot take a day off work (because if I slip under 40 hours of PTO, my FMLA will be ineffective and I could lose my job). I would kill for a day off, especially this week- second shift has been incredibly hard on me. I am in so much pain when I finally get home from work around 11. Not to mention the fact that I'm starving, and just about too tired to eat, and in too much pain to sit up. I just want to lie down in bed. It's been rough. But anyway. I guess my Jelly Bean will be here before I know it, right? And there is still quite a bit on my to-do list. I want all the carpet in the house shampooed. I want the whole nursery scrubbed, walls and all. We still have some items we need to complete the nursery, actually, and we haven't finished decorating yet either. I need to officially find a pediatrician. I need to pack my bag for when hospital time comes. I need to make sure Buddy's skin problem is 100% resolved, and if it isn't we need to get him into a new home because he sure as hell can't be here making messes with an infant in the house. There's just a seemingly never-ending list of things to do, loose ends to tie up. So in that sense, I suppose it's good that I still have nearly seven weeks til my due date. I just wish I didn't have to be pregnant anymore, haha.

So Lauren threw my baby shower on May 18th, and frankly, it was less than a pleasant experience for Kyle and I. In fact, we both were extremely stressed prior to the shower, because so much of the responsibility ended up on our shoulders. I handled all the decorating, I ordered my own cake, and I served as a constant go-between for my family and Kyle's because his mother and my sister did not seem to want to just talk to each other, which made planning difficult. And thanks to Kyle's mom, the shower was held at literally the most disgusting little restaurant I think I have ever seen. No one wanted to put out a little more cash to have the shower outdoors in a park pavilion or something. And it was a sort of awkward group of people as well- conversation seemed forced, or else non-existent and it was hard for me to make everyone feel included and entertained. It wasn't the baby shower I had dreamed about, that's for sure. But then, I feel like a total brat for complaining, like I always do. Is it that I feel as though I am entitled or something? Do I actually deserve the things that I want? Sometimes I'm not so sure.

My heartburn in killing me right now, I'm getting a headache (most likely from not drinking enough), plus I have dishes to wash and laundry to put away before I have to get ready for work in forty minutes. Time to go be productive! Ugh.


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