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Miserable Doesn't Scare Me
I have some extra time on my hands, alone in my house today, so I figured I'd get caught up on some updates here. It's been another busy week, which I truthfully love. I worked second shift most of the week, so that automatically makes the week seem crazy busy, because I probably sleep in too late, and then it feels like I am at work all day long, and I come home at night and pretty much crash, only to do the same thing the next day. I do not love second shift, that is for sure. But feeling busy as opposed to having too much time on my hands, or a lack of motivation... I'll take the second shift, I think. Sometimes I have so much to do, and plenty of time to accomplish it in, but no motivation whatsoever to get up and do anything. For whatever reason though, this week that has not been as big of an issue. Perhaps it's the mother in me, preparing to be just that, a mom, and basically taking care of business for a change. I will have to leave for work in about an hour, spend literally the entire rest of my day there (most likely running my ass off and feeling exceptionally exhausted), then I will come home and inhale some sort of food (often the fast sort), and then finally go to bed. Tomorrow should be interesting... I am going to Shippensburg to spend the day with Alyssa, and I'm a little nervous about the drive to begin with. Here are my two dilemmas adding to my anxiety: I am totally broke and can barely afford to get my butt to Shipp, forget about eating or doing anything fun at all; also, Kyle informed me this morning his car wouldn't start, so he took my car to work, no big deal, but tomorrow he is scheduled to work at the restaurant, which is in Lebanon, and he has to be there at 11am, and God only knows what time he will need to be picked up... essentially, I will be driving all over the state of Pennsylvania tomorrow, a good chunk of which will be spent alone. I despise road trips lately, but I particularly despise driving long distances alone. What if I go into labor? What if I get stuck in traffic and I have to pee, or I am hungry and I need to eat (Jelly Bean can be rather demanding about food)?! Anyway. Tomorrow will be a busy one, that's for sure. And it seems I have gotten wildly distracted here. I need to focus!

So Alyssa and I seem to have defied the odds and, although we both swore it was going to be impossible, we seem to be friends, pretty much just like before. I have seen her twice in two or three weeks, and obviously tomorrow we have plans, making it three times in a month, which is more than I used to see her. She called me the other week, just like old times, and left a rambling message on my voicemail. That felt good to hear! She texts me sometimes too, like she used to. It's crazy, but it's so, so nice. It feels great to have her back in my life and to be back in hers. Part of my is scared, sure. She actually has a lot on her plate at the moment... Anthony is apparently having major health issues and it sounds like it's really taking a huge emotional toll on both of them. Sometimes a thought creeps into my mind, that, you know, maybe she is only calling/texting/spending time with me because she is stressed and/or lonely. Like, as soon as Anthony starts to feel better again, she might disappear from the face of the earth all over again. But I really feel like it would be different if that happened again, though I can't quite explain why. Probably because I'm literally starting a family and I have that to focus on. I don't know. Truthfully, I don't care. I feel like a naive, teenage girl sometimes, falling hard for a crush, knowing she is being stupid, yet unwilling to do anything about it but continue the plunge. I'm happy right now. It has been a long time since I have felt happy. Complete, almost. There are still small problems with my relationship with Kyle, but at the end of the day, he's really a godsend to me and we love each other a lot. I still have fleeting anxiety and depression. But I have been through, just a shit ton of, well, shit. I am a survivor, and I know that no matter what curve balls get thrown at me, or how life tries to knock me down, I'm someone who ultimately will just keep going, miserable or not. And miserable doesn't scare me the way it used to. 


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