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These Days and Weeks
sane
pineapple5966

All I have wanted to do for the past six weeks is write. I simply have not had enough time in general, or time alone for that matter. Even now, my daughter is "sleeping" in her Snugga-Puppy swing, but every couple minutes she theatens me with a quick protesting groan, just so I know she is not going to stay content in there much longer, so I'd better hurry up with whatever I am doing.

I wanted to record everything I can remember about the day I met her as well as the roughly 48 hours prior to that first moment I saw her sweet little face. I wanted to write about the tremendous fear and anxiety I felt when I realized I truly did not have much time left before she'd be making her arrival. I wanted to record what I could recall about the physical pain, and how I felt when it began, and how I felt as it got better with the epidural, and speaking of the epidural, I wanted to express my feelings about the moment I gave in and requested one. I have so much to say about that morning that she was born, from 7am when I was told I was fully dilated and soon could begin to push, to 10:04 am, when my baby girl took her first breaths and I felt her warm and sticky little body on my chest for the first time. The thing is, I just don't have the time right now.

And then, how after maybe 12 hours or so of new mom bliss, everything changed and I suddenly felt so afraid and so hopeless, as if I had ruined my life. How the first two weeks at home with her were absolutely brutal, and I could barely go a moment without despairing thoughts and floods of tears. The good that came of that is one simple thing: I felt the bond between Kyle and I was immensely strengthened, because he showed me how much he truly cared about me. I will never forget the way he looked at me, and the words he said to me, as if he were trying to save me, and that was precisely what I needed at that moment. And after that, things only seemed to get better.

Right now, I am very happy. I might want more time to write, or to be able to make a cup of coffee and enjoy it slowly, not forget about it til it's cold, then chug it down in one of the few minutes I have to refuel, as is the case nearly every morning. I'd love to get a full night's sleep without having to get up to nurse in the middle of the night. I'd also really appreciate some alone time with Kyle (and I don't just mean a dinner date at a restaurant: I want some real us time). But I know that some day I will remember these days and weeks and feel as though I'd do anything to get them back, and I want to really cherish this time while it is here. This too shall pass. For better or for worse, these days will come and go quickly.

And one last note for the record: I am seeing my old therapist Katie again, which has been very helpful, and I am also back to taking the Zoloft, which I believe has also helped. Just for the record.


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