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Back Burner
Another rather rough night. Sometimes I feel like I have too many of these, because I'm pregnant and I am supposed to be happy. I did actually have a pretty good day, and most days recently have been good. I had off today, Kyle came home from work, I made dinner, we ate... and then we decided to fool around. That was tonight's mistake. Sex almost always depresses me. I am extremely unsatisfied, and thus, pretty lonely. He used to make an effort to make love to me sometimes, though definitely not as often as we would fuck the way he likes. But it's been months since he's made any effort, not just to make things more romantic and sensual, but to even have normal, vanilla sex. All we do anymore is the kinky shit he's into, which literally is a turn-off for me. I start out bored, and only become agitated with his weird requests and the way his personality morphs into this annoying, boyish, sub-like thing... I don't know. I'm just so overwhelmingly sick of it. I can't get into it, which makes for rather painful sex. After it's over, I feel even more bored and agitated, disappointed, and extremely lonely. Today I was especially upset because I kept thinking about how this is my life now, and though I never would have dreamed of leaving him, at least it was an option before. I'm stuck now. I'm carrying his child. I will never have a satisfying sexual experience again. And then I started thinking about how I have had one-night-stands that left me feeling more satisfied, physically and emotionally, than the "lovemaking" with my goddamn fiance ever does. It just sort of snowballs. Next thing I know, I'm refusing to go to bed with him, fully intending to sleep on the couch. I fire up the laptop to keep from dwelling on how shitty I feel. My desktop is full of icons from notes I created while planning a wedding, and this made me sad too. There is no wedding planning right now. All we can do is plan for the baby. The fact that I am engaged and have been for only three months is practically irrelevant. My love and my relationship are on the back burner. All we ever talk about is baby-related. I watch my belly regularly for movements. We did that together this afternoon. We went to Babies R Us' website to update the registry. I read What to Expect When You're Expecting and updated Kyle on all the exciting six-month changes. But never was a single detail of the wedding brought up, or the honeymoon, or even just plans for us as a couple, because we are still a couple, and only for another four months or so will we be just us... but "we" don't matter anymore. We're already we, a family, not we, a couple. I don't care much for the way things are going. I'm sure it's only a rut though. Whatever.

It seems silly that I didn't mention this first, and actually, it's silly that I'm too tired to elaborate on this, but things with Alyssa took a major turn on Friday. I haven't mentioned that we have been emailing and chatting online. We have been, for a while actually, though much of the while was just me waiting on responses from her. But we have been in contact, in a good way. And out of the blue, we met for dinner on Friday. I saw Alyssa for the first time in about a year and a half. Everything went great and I will update better next time. It's hard to say how things will be going forward. I have a good feeling though. About that one thing, anyway. For the first time in ages, Alyssa has become a positive topic, something good in my life. Even if we aren't as close as we once were, it feels to good to have her back, though in a different sort of way. Trust me, I know this is too important in issue not to discuss further. But I am exhausted. My back hurts. I need a drink, and I have to get up for work in like 7 hours... time for me to go to bed. Even if sleep is a million miles away...


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